Best drunken quote

[laplinp]

"She's like a pigeon with a broken wing"

As we were coming out of the SU, there is a flight of stairs, on top of this flight was a girl sat down on the phone in the corner. My mate though this was an appropriate remark about her. He then proceeded to jump off bollards on the wat home, pole dance and get excited about another group of lads who had stolen a fence.

Then more recently

"Mate I'm a scuba diver!"

Same guy as above, walking back home, in the snow, in shorts and had goggles and stuff, some blokes in the park questioned why he was wearing said outfit, this was his reply.

[AlexVanHalen]

Best one I heard was from a female friend of mine at Reading Festival. She'd lost her money and was trying to explain the lengths she'd go to to get food. Unfortunately she was pretty pissed, got a couple of her words mixed up and came out with this:
"I'd suck a cheeseburger for some dick."

[fadetojack]

i apparently told a paramedic who was making sure i didn't choke on my own vomit "frakk off, i told you i have a girlfriend"

but my favourite is my friend who told me he'd shagged 2 girls, none protected, no condom, saying " the amount i fap, a condom is like a chcolate fireguard, so pointless, so dw i'll be fine ''

[Piestar]

Best one I heard was from a female friend of mine at Reading Festival. She'd lost her money and was trying to explain the lengths she'd go to to get food. Unfortunately she was pretty pissed, got a couple of her words mixed up and came out with this:
"I'd suck a cheeseburger for some dick."

ahah I like this one

[El_Gibso]

I was at a party or something years ago and one of my mates called out to me.

I simply replied by going "Cal.......um....?"

Other than that, probably being at a party and someone coming in saying "Duncan just set the church on fire". Shortly before police and the fire engine turned up.....

[IainTheDrummer]

"do you know if you squat on airplane, your still really high up"

"the lock on the door doesn't work, if you come in here you will see something very small" (my mate a couple weeks ago)

"your a wanker. Noel Edmonds told me he heard it from the banker"

"I just fell on the concrete. Have you ever seen concrete? It really hurts to fall on" (random guy on the last train)

[maschera]

Some drunken creep kept asking us to play pool with him last week before proceeding to tell my mate in broken English that she was "looooovely" and made cupping gestures on himself. To deflect the attention off of herself and get him to stop talking to her - my mate pointed to me and said "what about her?". The man looked at me with a quizzical expression and said "err...do a twirl for me first".

¬_¬

Oh and the worst drunken quote?
"this is water..."

...it was absinthe in the mug.

[AlexVanHalen]

An absolute quality line came out of my mate earlier tonight.

Mate, seriously you could talk your way out of anything. If you weren't so black you'd be a politician!

[HeisenMorg]

I might use this thread just to post quotes from shivvycakes when she phones me drunk:
1) (crosses a road in front of a taxi driver who beeps his horn at her) "beep to you too mr taxi, beep to you too"
2) "wow, that window is huge, that is a HUGE window, will you look at that window (group of people walk past her and laugh) they're only laughing because they dont understand how huge that window is!"

I'll update when i think of more :p

[PurpleDemon]

2) "wow, that window is huge, that is a HUGE window, will you look at that window (group of people walk past her and laugh) they're only laughing because they dont understand how huge that window is!"

[HeisenMorg]

2) "wow, that window is huge, that is a HUGE window, will you look at that window (group of people walk past her and laugh) they're only laughing because they dont understand how huge that window is!"

honestly i couldn't stop laughing.

[shivcakes]

that was the funniest night, pissing in a doorway, getting asked for a shag on the way home by some randomer. falling over in front of everyone. shameful, but fun.

[hybrid theorist]

Oh and the worst drunken quote?
"this is water..."

...it was absinthe in the mug.

that is un-good.

My friends at Leeds fest one year kept offering anyone who woke up water. most people took a drink of the pure vodka they were given. luckily I already had a drink. One of my friends washed his hands with it

that was the funniest night, pissing in a doorway, getting asked for a shag on the way home by some randomer. falling over in front of everyone. shameful, but fun.

I find it funnier imagining all those things happening within 15 seconds of each other

[shivcakes]

well, we all know how attractive it is when I piss in public.

[Spiritinthesky]

What is a drunk man's idea of a balanced diet? A Budweiser in each hand.

[shivcakes]

Not a quote as such but years ago my mate and I were drinking at my house. We both passed out in my room. In the early morning I woke up and he had vanished. I looked round the house and couldn`t find him so I assumed he had gone home.

About an hour later I heard my dad shouting "What the frakk are you doing?" Seconds later my mate bolts past my room and out the house. Turns out he was that pissed in the middle of the night he had gone into my parents room, put my dads trousers on that he had left at the bottom of the bed and fallen asleep.

Years ago a similar thing happened at my friend's 18th. Her parents returned from pub, everyone at their house still partying, they go to bed. Two hours or so passes, they are asleep. One guy decides it's bed time and hey ho, finds the dad's trousers for a blanket. The parents give him a real blanket too and leave him to sleep on their floor, with the trousers. Must have been a really awkward morning.

[rockgeek]

"If you stick cheese up your ass does it smell of gooseberry" - a drummer of a famous band on MDMA at Sonisphere

[acanais45]

Not a quote as such but years ago my mate and I were drinking at my house. We both passed out in my room. In the early morning I woke up and he had vanished. I looked round the house and couldn`t find him so I assumed he had gone home.

About an hour later I heard my dad shouting assurances deces "What the frakk are you doing?" Seconds later my mate bolts past my room and out the house. Turns out he was that pissed in the middle of the night he had gone into my parents room, put my dads trousers on that he had left at the bottom of the bed and fallen asleep.

Well, it would have been necessary to calm him down with lukewarm water.

[certvalue111]

hello..really very funny and good quotes...i eally enjoyed this
thank for sharing this
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